|
notebook // mourning // time
12.03.03 // 08:11
***
12-3-03 7:45 AM
Oh, stupid. What a retard. Okay.
Hm. So I'm going out with Robert. I don't want to be. I don't want to be with anyone. I've realized that I truly don't care about anything in life. I just want to... go away. There's nothing and no one for me here. Honestly... I need to get out of here.
"Love. Your hate.
Your. Faith lost.
You. Are now.
One. Of us."
So true. I have nothing. Nothing to believe in anymore. Depression sucks. But it's so TRUE. True to me, true to my feelings, true to everything. I wish... everything would go back to the way it was.
I have this.
***
I was sitting in the hall. My so-called friends surrounded me, lost in their own little games. I wrote. He came up to me and said, "Leanna I have something for you." I glanced at him as he held out his hand. "Just put it down." It landed it my lap. A cricket. Cute. Very cute. I brushed it off. It went towards Ivy's jacket, and she, Zade, Dannielle, and Jason worked on rounding it up. I wrote. Bell rang. Got up, stood against the wall. Daniel, Roberto, and Victor came over to me. Victor tapped me with his notebook. I gave him a forlorn look and turned away. Roberto told me "bye" and left with Victor. Daniel walked me to my class. "What's wrong?" "I hate everyone." "Even me?" "No, not you. I don't have a reason to hate you." Silence. "Why did you ever go out with him?" "... because he liked me, and I liked him too."
I need to break it off with Robert. I don't want to give the whole, 'it's not you, it's me' speech, but it IS me. I can't handle a relationship right now. I don't want to. I just want to be alone. Be free to fuck up my life on my own. I don't want to drag someone else down with me. I just can't do that. I'm screwing up my life. I know it, but I just don't care anymore. I have no faith in me or my abilities. I think I'm fairly pretty, smart enough, but I just don't want to live this anymore. I haven't hurt myself in a few months, unless you count burning smileys into my palm. I wish I had a time machine. How far back would I go? Where would I start? What would I change? I think I would go back to September. With Enrique. Change so many, many things. Maybe I would change Homecoming. Or November 6th. Yes, November 6th. The day that started it all.
prev // next
Quick Stats
Mood: 
Music: --
Thought: --
|